Dancing In Circles
by Rachel Hawkins
Summary: What if Luka had discovered Abby crying in the bathroom that night? Post-ep for The Dance We Do. Please read and review.
1. Never Ending Story

Dancing in Circles  
  
Chapter One: Neverending Story  
  
Luka closed his locker and left the lounge. Apparently it wasn't his day off after all. He'd been at the hotel, trying to decide what to do with himself, when he'd gotten a call from the hospital. They needed him to come in, because apparently Dr. Greene had suffered some sort of seizure.  
  
He didn't see Abby anywhere, so he figured she was in with a patient. He wanted to know how her morning had gone once she left the hotel. There had been extra tension floating around her since her mother's arrival, but so far she hadn't said much about the whole situation. He reminded himself to talk to her when he got a chance, just to make sure everything was okay.  
  
As if his thoughts had conjured her, she walked in through the ambulance bay. Her arm was wrapped around her mother's shoulder, and Maggie was splattered with blood. Clearly everything was not okay.  
  
He asked Cleo what had happened, but she had no idea. Luka stepped away from her as Abby herded Maggie through the ER, looking for an empty bed. When she found one she immediately pulled the curtain closed around them. Tension sizzled in their wake.  
  
Luka frowned. Hands on hips, he walked slowly away from the admit desk and watched as Abby emerged from behind the curtain and walked into the empty trauma room next door. He watched through the window as she sat and her shoulders slumped, weary and defeated.  
  
He walked past the curtain area and glanced briefly inside, but Maggie's quiet ranting was background noise. His attention was focused on Abby.  
  
For several moments he stood at the door of the trauma room. Her eyes roved around, but he didn't think she was seeing anything. She didn't acknowledge him.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
Her eyes lifted to his. She tried to smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I just need a minute."  
  
Luka walked into the room and let the door swing shut quietly behind him. "What happened?"  
  
She was quiet for several moments, then shook her head. "Maggie happened." She ran a hand through her hair and shrugged out of her coat. "I shouldn't have backed off on the blood test. I should have known she wasn't really taking the pills, and I should have followed through, damned if she was late for her interview or not."  
  
"Uh...maybe you should start at the beginning."  
  
Her eyes caught his and held for several minutes. Luka supposed she was trying to decide whether or not to confide in him. Then she sighed and looked away.  
  
"When I got to my apartment this morning there was fabric everywhere and she was in some sort of sewing frenzy. Said she had to make a jacket or some job interview this afternoon."  
  
She got up and paced. Luka followed her progress back and forth across the trauma room. He didn't interrupt her.  
  
"She walked in while I was counting her pills in the bathroom. I convinced her to come in for a blood test. But Malucci walked in on us before I was done, and I just let her go. I shouldn't have let her go."  
  
"What was Malucci doing?"  
  
Abby shrugged. "Hiding from a girl."  
  
She sat back down. "I was working my shift when we got a call that Maggie was hurt outside some store on Oak Street. I got there, the store's front window was shattered, the store owner was irate, and Maggie was manic."  
  
"Is she all right?"  
  
"She needs some sutures on her hand. Can you take care of it?"  
  
"Of course. What about you?"  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Are you all right?"  
  
"Why wouldn't I be all right?" she asked carelessly, starting to pace again.  
  
"Abby..."  
  
"No, really. I've been dealing with this since I was a kid. She cycles into a manic phase, she promises to take her pills, then she quits and it starts all over again. This isn't anything I've never faced before. I can handle it."  
  
"You don't have to do this alone."  
  
"I'm not going to drag you into the middle of it. I just need you to suture her hand."  
  
"You're not dragging me into anything. I'm offering to help."  
  
"Thanks, but there's not really anything you can do. There's nothing anybody can do."  
  
"Maybe there's a program we can get her into, get her some help."  
  
"She won't stay in a program, and she hates taking her medication. It's the way it's always been." She walked out of the trauma room and crossed the hall to avoid the curtain area where her mother waited.  
  
Luka followed her, noting the stiff line of her shoulders. He looked down and saw her fist clench and release. This was weighing on her much more heavily than she let on, but she was the most stubborn woman he'd ever met, and she refused to admit she needed help. She tried to fix her mother while ignoring her own pain.  
  
Abby walked into the lounge and stuffed her coat in her locker. "We better get back to Maggie," she said. "If she's left alone for too long, she's liable to disappear."  
  
Luka sighed inwardly. Abby had erected a wall between herself and the world, closing everyone off from her pain, and he didn't have time to scale it now. Maybe once Maggie was taken care of, he thought, Abby would be more willing to talk to him.  
  
"I'll take care of her hand," he said. And maybe he would look into some treatment programs, he added silently. Maybe Abby would open up if she knew that Maggie was getting help.  
  
"I'm right behind you." 


	2. Alone in a Crowd

Dancing In Circles Chapter 2: Alone in a Crowd  
  
Abby ignored Maggie's whiny, tearful words and walked away, her steps heavy, her face blank. It was the same story she'd gotten so many times before. Maggie went through a crying stage during every cycle. There was the manic phase, where she bounced off the walls, always moving from one project to another, and then there was the downward spiral where her energy and hormones crashed and she would lie around listlessly for days. Mixed in both phases were the outbursts of anger and the crying jags.  
  
Well, Carter and Legaspi could take care of her for a while. Someone else could deal with her, because Abby needed a break. She needed to get out of the hospital and away from the covert stares of curious coworkers. She could feel a dozen pairs of eyes glancing at her as she made her way down the hall. She wanted to yell at them, but that would only strengthen their suspicion.  
  
She wished she could leave the hospital altogether, but her shift wasn't quite over, so she pressed the elevator's up button. She'd go to the roof. Quiet, private, but she'd still be able to get back to the ER quickly if she was paged. Maybe she'd even be able to hide out until the end of her shift. Then she could save the headache of dealing with everyone's curiosity for tomorrow.  
  
Once she was in the elevator car, closed off from the noise of the ER, she felt a little better. For a few minutes at least, no one could bother her. She could have a little bit of peace before she had to step back into the madness and finish the last couple hours of her shift.  
  
When she opened the door and stepped onto the roof, she immediately regretted that she hadn't stopped in the lounge to grab her coat. It was freezing out here. Chicago in December meant bitter temperatures and wind. Not a pleasant combination, but neither was she anxious to go back inside.  
  
She walked to the edge of the roof and looked down. People scurried in and out of the hospital, hurrying to get out of the cold. Abby looked away, sliding down the short wall and sitting with her back against it. With most of the wind now blocked away from her, she scraped her hands through her hair. Of all the places for her mother to have an outburst, it had to have happened in the hospital. But really, Abby had no one to blame but herself. She'd seen the signs of Maggie's oncoming mania when she's arrived at her apartment this morning. But she'd let Maggie guilt her into forgetting about the blood test, and she'd paid the price.  
  
Earlier, when she'd pulled herself together and gone back to the curtain area where Luka had been trying to suture Maggie's hand, it had seemed almost like she was flirting to him. Abby had been mortified. Her relationship with Luka was still a little shaky, and she was afraid that Maggie was going to push him away from her before they had a chance. Abby had apologized to him, which had only set Maggie off.  
  
Then the mania had taken over. It had been automatic for Abby to argue with her, to do anything she could to get Maggie to calm down. But it hadn't worked. As soon as Abby said the word Haldol, Maggie had panicked. She'd been a runaway freight train, drawing attention from anyone who wasn't in a coma. Abby had watched stoically as she tried to run, then was caught by Luka and carried back to the gurney. As she, Luka, Carter and Chuny all worked to restrain her wildly flailing limbs, a tidal wave of emotions had threatened to take Abby over. This wasn't some random patient. This was her mother screaming, cursing her. This was the nightmare she'd suffered repeatedly since she was a child, that Maggie would suffer a manic episode while Abby was at school or work.  
  
She tipped her head back and closed her eyes, the cold from the stone penetrating her thin scrubs. Up here though, it was quiet. She could hear only the muted street sounds from below. The only voices were the screams echoing in her head.  
  
She groaned when she heard the harsh squeal of the roof door. Didn't people know it was way too cold to be up here? Why didn't they stay inside to take their breaks? There were plenty of lounges or various other empty rooms where they could spend their time.  
  
But when she looked up she saw Luka coming toward her, and he was carrying her coat. She accepted it gratefully and slid into it, hugging it close to her body. "How did you know where I was?"  
  
"Your shift wasn't over, so I figured you'd stay close to the hospital. Your coat was still in your locker, so I knew you had to be here somewhere."  
  
Abby shrugged, turning back to the wall. She rested her elbows on the ledge and looked out at the city. "I needed to get away for a while. I'm sick of the stares."  
  
"They weren't staring at you."  
  
"Of course they were. If it had been someone else, I probably would have stared, too."  
  
She sighed and went silent for a few moments. Then she looked up at him. "How long, do you think?"  
  
"How long what?" Luka asked.  
  
"How long do you think it'll take before people stop being afraid to talk to me?"  
  
"Abby, it's not like that."  
  
"Sure it is. Something like that doesn't happen without inviting speculation. It's what happened when I was a kid, and it's going to happen now. Everyone knows she's my mother—or at least they do now—and they're going to look at me and wonder. Am I a chip off the old block? Am I my mother's daughter?"  
  
"How is she doing now?" Luka asked after a minute.  
  
"She's weepy, promising to get better. I might think about believing her if she hadn't done the same thing a couple dozen other times."  
  
Abby looked out at the city as the sun began to set. Luka leaned against the ledge beside her, and she wondered what she should do. She'd never had anyone to help her deal with her family before. She didn't want him to see her like this. They'd already been through so much together; she didn't know how much more drama the relationship could take. She didn't want to lose him, but how did she hold onto him when her instinct to run and hide was in direct contrast to his instinct to protect and help?  
  
"Is she going to be admitted?" Luka asked.  
  
"Legaspi said she'd admit her."  
  
"Are you going to wait here and make sure she gets settled?"  
  
She slowly shook her head. "I don't think I can take any more apologies right now. I don't want to listen to her cry. I just need a break from it all." She turned her head and looked up at him. "Does that make me a terrible person? That I don't want to stay here with her?"  
  
"No, it doesn't. It makes you human, Abby. Everybody needs a break sometimes."  
  
"She'll probably try to escape, anyway. And I don't know if I should try to stop her."  
  
"Escape?"  
  
"She won't stay in the hospital. She never does. Says it doesn't do her any good, and that she hates being locked up with a bunch of crazy people."  
  
"So you'll just let her go?"  
  
She ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know what else to do. Help only works if you want it."  
  
"Right." He watched her for several long moments, and she found herself curious as to what he was thinking. But she didn't ask. She was afraid his answer would involve her not wanting help. "How long until your shift is over?" he asked.  
  
She glanced at her watch. "Almost an hour."  
  
"Why don't you go? You could use a rest."  
  
"Go? You want me to leave in the middle of my shift?"  
  
"We aren't too busy right now. I don't think anyone would notice if you left a little early."  
  
"And they wouldn't say anything even if they noticed, right?" She waved away his objection. "Maybe I'll go over to Doc Magoo's and get some coffee. That way I'll still be close by if a trauma comes in."  
  
Luka nodded. "Good. I should be able to leave soon too. Do you want to wait for me or do you want me to give you the room key?"  
  
She shook her head. "I'll wait out there for you. Do you mind clocking me out when you go down?"  
  
"Not a problem. Are you coming?"  
  
"In a minute. I'm going to slip out a side door. I don't want anyone to notice me."  
  
"Okay. I shouldn't be more than an hour."  
  
Abby watched as he turned away and went back to the door. "Luka, wait," she said when his hand turned the knob. His eyes met hers and she said, "Thanks for everything."  
  
He nodded, his lips tipping up at the corners, and then he was through the door and back inside the hospital. He was giving her space, not forcing her to talk about things when she didn't want to or make decisions she wasn't ready to make. How many people would have done that? Most people who came across her family seemed to think they knew what was best. But Luka was offering his help without pushing her too hard.  
  
Now all she had to do was learn to accept it. 


	3. Waterfalls

Chapter 3: Waterfalls  
  
Luka and Abby said little to each other on the trip back to the hotel. Abby was at the point where she was completely bone-weary and sick of the whole situation. She'd been sitting in the back booth at Doc Magoo's, sipping coffee when Carter had paged her. She hadn't needed to respond to know that her mother had disappeared.  
  
It was the same cycle she'd been repeating since childhood. She supposed she could have warned Legaspi that her mother was likely to bolt, but it would have been delaying the inevitable. Maggie would have found a way to leave eventually, whether the staff was keeping a close eye on her or not.  
  
The way Abby figured it, Maggie had probably escaped the first chance she got. She'd most likely walked away as soon as she was left alone.  
  
When they got to Luka's hotel room, she shrugged out of her coat and dropped her purse on the floor. She could feel Luka's eyes on her as she crossed the room and retrieved her pajamas, which the maid had left folded on the end of the bed. She rolled her eyes. The same thing happened every time she stayed here. She left her pajamas tossed over the back of a chair, and when she came back they were folded neatly at the foot of the bed.  
  
"I'm going to order some dinner," Luka said. "Do you want anything?"  
  
She shook her head. "I'm really tired. I just want to take a shower and go to bed."  
  
She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She was exhausted, and her emotional defenses were starting to crumble. She didn't think she had the strength to stand up to another round of questions from Luka. She knew he meant well, and that he only wanted to make sure she was okay, but she was tired. Tired of her mother's problems, tired of the cycle, tired of it all. She didn't want to talk about it anymore, because she was afraid she would completely break down. She didn't want Luka to see that.  
  
She stayed in the shower a long time, until the hot water began to cool on her skin. Maybe she was a coward, but she didn't want to face Luka, or anybody else, right now. She just wanted to forget.  
  
She changed into her pajamas and towel-dried her hair. There were purple crescents under her eyes. Her skin was pale, and she had a killer headache. She found a bottle of aspirin next to the sink and swallowed three with a handful of water. She sighed, staring at herself in the mirror. She knew Luka was waiting for her on the other side of the door, but she was a little afraid to face him. She wasn't sure why.  
  
Finally she cursed herself and left the bathroom. Luka was sitting on the end of the bed, working on a hamburger as he watched the news.  
  
"Are you all right?" he asked.  
  
"I'm fine. I'm just really tired."  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"No."  
  
She climbed onto the bed and pulled the sheet up to her waist. She lay on her side, her back to him. She couldn't have sent a stronger signal if she'd come right out and told him to leave her alone.

Hours later, Luka shifted on the bed and instinctively reached for Abby. His eyes blinked open when his mind registered the empty space beside him. Abby was gone.  
  
That's when he heard water running in the bathroom. Not the sink, as if she were getting a drink of water or washing her hands, but the bathtub. He frowned. Why would she be taking a bath at two o'clock in the morning? She'd already taken a long shower earlier in the evening.  
  
She'd begun withdrawing from him as they'd walked through the ambulance bay on their way home from the hospital. She'd opened up about her mother today, really opened up, for the first time since Maggie's surprise arrival weeks ago. But when all was said and done, she'd shut down. She'd predicted Maggie's disappearance, but when it had actually happened, she hadn't said a word.  
  
He was worried about her. She'd just been through an emotional thunderstorm, and it wasn't healthy to keep everything inside. He should know. He'd kept secret for years his pain at the deaths of his family, and the pain still ate at him today.  
  
He didn't want the same thing to happen to Abby. He didn't want the situation to make her more bitter and cynical than it already had. She deserved to be happy.  
  
He slid out of bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He rubbed the back of his neck as he stumbled around the bed. He'd just check on her. He knocked softly on the door. "Abby?" he called. "Is everything all right?"  
  
The water kept running, and there was no answer from Abby. Luka frowned, knocking on the door again. "Abby?"  
  
When she failed again to answer him, he tried the doorknob and found it unlocked. He eased the door open slowly, not wanting to spook her. He needn't have worried.  
  
He found her sitting on the edge of the bathtub, fully clothed, her face buried in her hands as she sobbed. The sight stabbed at Luka's heart. He leaned back against the door frame and took a deep breath. Abby, who was usually so strong, so in control, had succumbed to all of the pressure and cracked. She just hadn't been able to hold on any longer.  
  
He knelt in front of her and rested a hand on her knee.  
  
Her head jerked up and her eyes went wide. "What are you doing in here?" she cried, snatching at a towel to scrub her face dry.  
  
"I woke up and you weren't in bed. I heard the water running and wanted to make sure you were okay." He turned the faucet off himself, and the sudden silence was deafening.  
  
"Well, I'm fine," she said stiffly, her back to him. "Go back to bed."  
  
"Abby..."  
  
"No!" She tossed the towel on the floor. "Don't try to...fix me. There's nothing wrong with me."  
  
Luka sighed and watched as she stormed out of the bathroom. He didn't want her to be angry or defensive. He only wanted her to realize she could lean on him.  
  
"That's not what I was trying to do. I only want to help you get through this."  
  
"Well, I don't need help. I've been doing this by myself all my life. I can do it again."  
  
"Abby, the point is, you don't have to do it alone this time."  
  
"Well, then where were you when Maggie first showed up? Because I tried to talk to you about it and you blew me off."  
  
Luka ran his hands through his hair. "I don't want to fight with you."  
  
"I don't want to fight either. So why don't we just drop the whole thing?"  
  
"I think we should talk about what happened today."  
  
"What's to talk about?" she asked, throwing her arms up in the air. "She disappeared. She embarrassed the hell out of me, then she ran away. What more is there to say?"

"Just talk to me, Abby. If you're angry about what happened, then say so. Just talk to me."

"Of course I'm angry. What do you expect? That I'm happy about everything that happened? That I'm glad my mother has all these problems?"  
  
"Would you rather talk to Carter?" he asked suddenly.  
  
"What?" She shook her head at him. "What does Carter have to do with this?"  
  
"You don't want to talk to me. Maybe you want to talk to him."  
  
Abby slumped down on the bed and closed her eyes. She was ashamed of herself. Why was she treating Luka this way? He'd done nothing but try to help her, and here she was attacking him, treating him like the enemy. He wasn't the enemy. He was the only person in the world who could help her. So why was she trying so hard to push him away?  
  
"I don't want to talk to Carter," she whispered. "I just want it all to go away. I want to forget."  
  
Luka approached her slowly and sat next to her on the bed. Their shoulders barely brushed. Luka remained quiet, not trying to move any closer, waiting for her to make the first move. Long moments passed in silence. Luka started to wonder if she was going to shut down again. Even her anger was better than silence. At least then she was expressing some emotion instead of going cold and distant.  
  
"Did I do the right thing?" she asked finally, her voice faint with fatigue.  
  
"How do you mean?"  
  
"I knew she'd try to run. Should I have tried to stop her?"  
  
He paused to consider. "Well, you said yourself that help only works if you want it, right?"  
  
Abby tried for a smile but failed. "And she's made it pretty clear that she's not interested in my help."  
  
"Someday she will be."  
  
"Someday." She dropped her head toward the ground and squeezed her eyes shut. "How many more times is this going to happen before someday comes?"  
  
Luka didn't have a response. They both knew there was no answer to her question. Maggie was the only person who could decide she wanted help. Until then, the cycle would be repeated.  
  
Abby's shoulders shook. Her face crumbled. Finally, with a sob of defeat, she dropped her head on Luka's shoulder. His arm went around her and he pulled her close. She turned her face into his shoulder and clutched his T- shirt in her fists. He cradled the back of her head in his hand and looked off into the distance, his own eyes suspiciously wet. It killed him that there was nothing more he could do for her than hold her, but maybe for now just being held was what she needed most.  
  
When she sat up close to twenty minutes later, Luka wordlessly handed her a tissue. She wiped her face dry and tossed the tissue in the waste basket, then turned back to face him. "Luka, I..."  
  
"Shhh." He dropped a soft kiss onto her forehead. "You don't have to say anything."  
  
Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment. She took a deep breath. Her head ached and her nose was stuffy, but she was amazed at how much better she felt. It was the last thing she would have expected. She'd lost total control of herself. She'd attacked Luka, some part of herself wanting to drive him away, the other part desperately wanting him to heal her. And maybe he had.  
  
"Let's go back to bed," she said to him.  
  
The slid back onto the bed. Abby curled up on her side, her hands drawn up close to her chin. Luka lay behind her, his chest resting against her back, his arm draped across her waist. His presence was comforting, his support reassuring. It wasn't long before Abby fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.


End file.
